The Lister

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You’re not doing it properly!!! (no shit)… says the friend with 4 kids. Did I say kids? I meant vampires, vampires with no manners, she looked as if they’d been sucking the life force out of her all night, her eyes had hollowed out and I thought she was going to disintegrate in front of me any moment. These kid’s were devoid of manners or any self-awareness? I went to their house for dinner recently and they could barely hold a knife and fork. If you sit anywhere near them you need a golf umbrella to repel all debris that gets spat from one side of the table to the other as they talked with their mouths stuffed full of chicken drum sticks.

So do I still want to have a kid? I must do other wise I wouldn’t have just put my self through this last ordeal. We went to one of the most well-known fertility clinics in London. Feeling the need to take that next step and do something about the situation we were in. There are various options you can take depending on your test scores and financial position. I chose to go for maximum follicle stimulation; I thought this was the smart thing to do. I thought that this would cover all the bases. If I produced more follicle’s then we would opt for IVF, because you need at least 6 eggs to be able to go down that route, if I only produced a few follicle’s we would go for IUI (Intrauterine insemination) with this procedure they don’t really want you to do it if you produce any more than 3 follicle’s, for fear of multiple pregnancies’.

I had to wait for a couple of test results to arrive before I made my final decision. The doctor told me that she would email me these results the following Monday it was Thursday. Monday arrived and there was no email, so I waited but I really needed to know the results as my cycle had started and the instructions were that I was to call the nurse for a scan between day 1-4 of my cycle. I emailed the Doctor and asked her for the results, I waited for another day still nothing. In the end I called the nurse and explained that I needed the results to make that final decision as one of the tests was to check my AMH levels, as I had scored quite low on a previous test and I had made the decision that if the score came in any lower than the last one then it might not be worth going ahead with either option. The nurse gave me the results over the phone and it was a better score than I’d had before, it still wasn’t great but it hadn’t dropped so I had decided to go ahead and booked in for the scan to get the treatment going. The Doctor took a whole week to get back to me with those results, not what I was expecting when your paying a significant amount of money and time is of the essence. Not impressed!

So I went in for the first scan, and to get my fertility drugs. The Doctor prescribed Gonel F. When the nurse sat me down to instruct me how to inject the drug she asked me if I was getting my drugs from this clinic, I thought where else would I be getting them, the last time I checked the dealer on the corner wasn’t selling fertility drugs, but if he’s smart and he wants to widen his market share they are certainly the drugs to start selling, the mark up on these drugs is phenomenal. I have since read that ASDA sells some fertility drugs and they are selling them for no profit, whether this is true or not I don’t know I have yet to ask for a six-pack of Gonal F while picking up my weekly shop, but you know what, they sold cock rings at one point so who knows?

Whilst you’re doing this you have to go in every other day for a scan to monitor the progression of the developing follicles. This really does take over your life. The scan in question has been nick named the dildo machine by myself and many of my friends, as it resembles a large black dildo. NO we don’t enjoy it! They count and measure the follicles, and try to predict ovulation so that they can either harvest the eggs or time the insemination just right. So you rarely see the same technician, after a while you get used to exposing yourself to a complete stranger and just hope that if they bump into you at a dinner party you’ll look familiar, but they won’t quite be able to remember where from.

Now I know they probably do hundreds of these scans over the course of their career and looking at that part of the female anatomy becomes just second nature to the point they could probably do this examination in their sleep, just a figure of speech, or is it? I was called into the exam room by a man who may as well have shouted, fanny 633.

“If you can slip off your panties and hop on the bed”

I nearly puked at that turn of phrase! So I did what I was asked and watched him sheaf up the policeman’s truncheon and slaver it in KY jelly. So I lay their with my legs open and he stared at the screen fiddled with the knob on the complicated looking machine, waved the dildo dripping in KY around in the air like a light sabre, as I screamed in my head “Help me Obi -Wan Kenobi you’re my only hope” then nothing he just stopped, head down staring at the screen, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he was checking Facebook. Then without warning and without looking he came at me with it at ramming speed, a bit of warning would have been nice, and then he proceeded to try to jab it up my arse, I tried to wriggle into a different position to guide the bloody thing into the right spot.

“Please can you keep still” He said, again not even looking at me.

I will I thought if you stop trying to poke it up my arse, I was quite upset because I have never had anything up my arse and as a rule I try to avoid it and I’d managed to achieve it UP to this point. He then managed to find the spot between the two entry points, Jabbing at it as if he was trying to see if it was still alive! which was debatable at this point. I lost my temper grabbed the bloody thing and pointed it in the right direction. I left feeling slightly assaulted and to top it all I had to pay £120. Next time I will illuminate it with fairy lights, so it’s easier to locate. Fuck me!

Now I thought as I said they were prepping me for either option turns out that the Doctor had not listened to what I had ask for. Now I don’t know what I don’t know, and I put my trust in the hands of the experts. They had only put me on the course for IUI (insemination), I didn’t know this not having had anything like this done before. I just went along with the procedure, because I had put my trust in them 100% and believed that they had understood what I had asked for. IS ANYONE LISTENING! So they hadn’t given me enough drugs for IVF which meant that I had only produced two eggs, which is fine for IUI, my two eggs were the same size looking mature which is what you want, and the lining of my womb was looking very good.

So the day came to inseminate and I went along, with my husband. He delivered his swimmers which they wash and select the most active to use in the procedure. You are then taken into a room with a nurse and she gets you ready for the insemination. It’s like having a smear test, so we know the drill. So I’m lying on the bed again with my legs open and I notice that there’s one of those hatches in the wall you know like the one’s they have in restaurants that they pass food through. Food great I wonder what’s on the menu. There was a knock and the hatch flew open to reveal a lab technician, in blue scrubs and a hair net. Great, not that I’m counting but she’s probably 23rd person to have seen my exposed bits. She hands over the sperm, which is in a test tube, and she turns to me to double-check the name of my husband, which is vital to make sure you’re not getting someone else’s protein shake. Incidentally a few weeks ago Lee went along to have some sperm frozen, as he’s away a lot and we thought this would be a  back up plan. The nurse that took his sample got his name wrong!!!! Now there are many occasions when spelling someone’s name wrong is not a big deal, labelling sperm is certainly not one of them. So in goes the speculum and the nurse prepares to inseminate only she couldn’t get the catheter in the right position. Now it’s not painful as such but it’s very very uncomfortable. She takes the speculum out and puts it in again, tries once more to insert the catheter, but she still can’t get it in the right place.. To be honest at this point I was starting to lose confidence in the nurse. She then takes the speculum out again and tells me that she will have to go and get another nurse to help. Please do I’m thinking, and this time can you bring someone in who knows what the Fuck they’re doing! As she gets up she knocks over the tray and instruments and the test tube carrying the sperm falls to the floor, along with speculum and some other bit and pieces. I was distraught,  all I could visualise was hundreds of sperm lying dead in the test tube, having just had their heads bashed in!!!! She returns with another nurse, who explains that I have tilted cervix, that’s right blame me!! And that sometimes it can be a little tricky getting the catheter in, at this point I’m thinking that I would have had better luck with a turkey baster, which incidentally you really shouldn’t use, I have been told that you are much better off doing it with a syringe, having removed the needle first of course.

She returns with another nurse who is slightly older and I think thank Good she’ll know what to do, but alas she doesn’t, she then tells the first nurse to go and get a doctor, she leaves. I’m am now starting to feel really uncomfortable, as I am about to have a yet person gaze into that part of my body that I generally like to keep to a solo show.

Suddenly the door opens and in walks Ryan Gosling’s twin brother, I closed my eyes and pray for a power cut, and just as he walks toward me the nurse who face was so close to my Hoo-ha I could feel her breathing on it!!! Said “It’s ok I got it” he then turned and left the room. THANK FUCK!

After this most uncomfortable, unforgettable experience they allow you to lie on the bed to recover and then you are set free in the hope that after all that the sperm will find the egg and then like it enough to embed it’s self and grow another human being.

It did not work! I would say a complete waste of time and money!! NOW WHAT?

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