NUTS

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‘You can’t have kids!’ yells my nephew ‘Oh yeah why’s that then?’I reply ‘Cos you’ve got white walls.’ Why the F***K didn’t anyone tell me this before!

Sometimes you’ll do anything to get what you want, but when you find yourself lying to the STD clinic just to get a few tests done, you know you’re officially a Psycho!

Lee was happy to pursue treatment at the clinic in Spain. I think he was doing it for me more than anything else. We talked about using his onward christian soldiers, but he said ‘If we can’t use your eggs then we should just go straight for the embryo adoption.’  YES!!!!! I was over the moon a baby’s a baby right? plus it did make things less complicated and much less expensive!

We had a skype call with the clinic in Spain, they went through the process and all the tests and paper work that needed to be completed before we could make the trip.

So I went to see my GP and she was not very happy about doing any tests in-fact she refused to do do them altogether. I couldn’t believe it because when she stood up you could clearly see she was about 6 months pregnant but felt it was ok to refuse me some blood tests that could help to the do the same, I thought pregnancy was supposed to make you all serene, not her she was mean!

So I left her surgery and then had an epiphany, we could go to the GUM clinic, they don’t ask questions there, well they do but they’re not going to say no! We needed HIV, Hep B, Hep C and Chlamydia. We would have to tell a white lie at the clinic otherwise they wouldn’t do the tests.

So I went home told Lee and I marched him straight to the clinic. What a bitch!

I haven’t been to one of those places for about 20 years so I was expecting it to be a bit demeaning as I’d certainly felt that the last time I been, with a friend of course!  Not the case here, we walked in, the place looked brand new there was a handful of people  sitting in the waiting room. Two obligatory teenagers looking guilty and terrified, a gay guy and an old lady who I think came in to get out of the cold, she was clearly confused as she kept asking for a cup of Earl Grey. The walls were full of posters depicting the risks of unsafe sex describing some of the unpronounceable sexually transmitted diseases. Blimey I don’t remember that one in my day! As I looked at the other people sitting there in the waiting I couldn’t help but wonder how many of those would be diagnosed with something. I don’t remember them being so complicated when I was a teenager. No wonder everyone was looking so perplexed.

‘Hi there, how can we help you?’

‘We’ve been traveling and we’d really like to get some test done now that were back just for peace of mind.’

‘Where have you been traveling?’

‘All over the planet, er everywhere really, we’ve been gone ages.’

‘Did you visit Africa?’

“Yep I am pretty sure we did, we were a bit messed up, you know how it is, it’s hard to remember!’

Lee looked away in embarrassment, I have always been a good liar it’s the Catholic up bringing.

‘Ok if you can fill out theses forms, and well see what we can do.’

So we sat down and waded through the forms stating our sexual orientation how many sexual partners we’d had, if we’d taken drugs, had anal sex or eaten bush meat, what?

‘Lee!’

‘What!’

‘We have to say that we have done everthing on this list otherwise they won’t do all the tests we need.’

‘This is fucking humilatating!’

‘Look, it’s good acting practice, get into character.’

We took the forms back up to the counter.

‘Ok if you can come with me.’ she indicated to me.

I followed the nurse down the corridor leaving Lee behind in the waiting area.

I had my list of tests I needed to get done but I couldn’t let them know that, so I just waited with patience as she looked through my forms.

‘So you’ve been traveling that’s nice! Where did you go?’

‘We travelled all over?’

‘Africa?’

‘Yes!’

‘Where in Africa?’

‘Wow where didn’t we go, all over.’

‘Ok so there are some standard tests we can do when you’ve been traveling to that part of the world. Have you been having unsafe sex?’

‘Yes.’ I said very emphatically

She raised an eyebrow, I don’t think she even realised that she did it. Well she had seen me in the waiting room with Lee.

‘I would like to have HIV, Hep B, Hep C and Chlamydia.’ I said it very casually.

‘We don’t do Hep B unless you’ve been having sex with intravenous drug users?’

‘I have been doing that.’

‘I’m sorry I’m a bit confused?’

‘Me too, I mean, I was.’

She looked at me as if to say ‘Really?’

Oh for Fuck sake, make it hard why don’t you! Yes I was in Africa with my husband and we were having sex with all sorts of people. Who may have been gay straight by-sexual HIV positive and yes I did take it up the arse whilst eating bush meat! And one did look a bit like Chewbacca from Starwars…Now will you do the tests I need……

‘What!’ she said

That’s when I realised the only part I actually said out loud was ‘Make it hard.’

‘What was that?.’ she said

‘Sorry I’m a bit nervous.’

She got up and went over to the drawer and got all the paraphernalia to do the blood tests, plus a speculum.

‘Well need to do an internal.’

‘Oh is it ok if I come back for that as Aunt flow has just arrived.’

She nodded, she didn’t believe but what could she do. She did all the tests and I left feeling victorious, Lee on the other hand was looking very traumatised.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘They stuck a steel rod up my Johnson!’

‘Jesus, why do you let the do that?’

‘Because you said they wouldn’t have done all the test if I’d said no!’

We walked home in silence but we’d done what we’d set out to do.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice one for the good of many!

Sorry Lee!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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