I want this one?









A New Year

I stared looking at the adoption websites and made a couple of enquiries, no one called me back. I rang again and again until finally I got a very rude women who said ‘That one’s gone.’ Nice choice of language! had I been ordering a washing machine it would have been fitting, but describing a child? Why was he still on the website then! January was my least favorite month and I was beginning to feel doomed.

After a few weeks I saw a little boy on be my parent, I looked at him everyday for a week until I finally had enough courage to show him to Lee.

‘He’s a crack baby.’

‘I know, but he’s doing well!’

‘We said no drugs or alcohol!’

‘Yes I know but I’ve been watching him on the video and he seems like a really lovely child, can we at least find out a bit more about him?’

Lee reluctantly agreed so I called our social worker and she made the enquiry. The child’s family finder was happy to meet with us. I felt good; perhaps this would lead to what we’d been working towards for such a long time.

So once again I cleaned the house from top to bottom we’d had people over for lunch the day before and the recycling bin was full of wine bottles so I moved that out of sight, I didn’t want them to think that we were drinkers, we weren’t but they looked at everything, someone told me that they ask to use your toilet and then go through your bathroom cabinet.

It didn’t start well; I could see from the start that the child’s social worker didn’t like Lee. She cut him off in the middle of his sentences and at one point they got in to what can only be described as an argument. He wouldn’t back down and it became really obvious that we were not going to get this child. I felt hopeless, what was the point of all this? I was really angry with Lee, what was he doing? They had obviously taken an instant dislike to each other, no point in going any further.

Once they’d left our social worker sat in silence for a few minutes and then said.

‘You really need to think about whether you want to go any further with this.’

How long was this going to go on, I felt exhausted, our social worker left, she was not impressed with the way Lee behaved you could see that.

I went up stairs to the bedroom and lay down on the bed. After about 5 minutes Lee came up and lay down next to me. I was so angry I wanted to hit him, but instead of that I said.

‘I want a divorce.’

He looked stunned; I didn’t need to explain why. This process was hard enough with out witnessing his behavior over the last hour.

‘I am so sorry, but she didn’t like me and this was never going to go the way we wanted it to.’

“Nothing’s going the way we want it to!” I yelled.

“She was not going to give us that child!”

‘I don’t care, you could have just held your tongue, you don’t really want this. I have had to drag you all the way, I can’t do it any more, I’m done, I don’t expect to be sabotaged by my own husband, let’s just call a day, I’ve had enough, I can’t do it any more.’

We sat in silence for quite sometime and then I got up and went down stairs.

I looked around the house, was this it? What was the point? Fighting to try to get a child, why was it so hard! It felt like I was drowning, slowly sinking. Maybe it was just not going to happen. Was now the time to give up? This New Year felt just like the old one. Maybe we should just give up.


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