I began to rationalize what had happened. My survival instinct kicked straight in. I tried to assemble all the stuff that had just happened in my head. None of it made sense. I called some of my family and friends they were aghast. Lee and I felt like we were grieving. I called our social worker. She asked me how I was? Stupid question! She said that they had handled in very badly. They should have called her, she knew nothing of what had been planned. She felt that they had broken protocol as they should have informed her. They had told her that it was not a child protection issue so removing him as they had in under 24 hrs was not the best thing to do especially for the child. I agreed and then she said.
“It’s very unlikely you will ever see him again”.
I lost my breath I felt so dizzy I had to stop and sit on a wall. I sat paralysed. I had been here before, in this state of nothingness powerless, dropped into a void. A call telling me my Siser had committed suicide. My hearing seemed to shut down, the light grew dim. Knowing that he was in the world but without us was more than I could bear to even contemplate.
“Why, why couldn’t they have come back with you?”
“I don’t know but I would like to know what the reasons were, why did they do this so abruptly? I will call them?”
I went home I sat in his room and I wrote an email to the social workers responsible for removing him.
It became quite clear to me that due to a series of events that had happened along the way: the miscarriage, the ectopic pregnancy, the delay in getting our Son had really affected me. Compounded by the 2 weeks with little or no sleep, lack of food. I was either suffering from Postadoption depression or my anxiety was so heightened that I could not process what was going on and make sense of it. However due to the fact that since having had some sleep I was very quickly able to unravel the situation and go in to fight mode. So my conclusion was that had I had Postadoption depression, I would not have been able to snap back so quickly and action a plan to get him back.
The pain I was feeling was indescribable I could not get his little face out of my mind. I missed his smell, his voice, his little hand in mine. His nosey footsteps on the wood floors. I really didn’t know what to do. Our social worker had been trying to get Southwark on the phone but they just stonewalled us.
“What are you hoping to achieve?’ she said
“I want a meeting with them, I want to see them fac to face and I want them to tell us why they decided to rip us all apart so quickly.”
I could tell she was not that convinced that any of this was going to happen.
I was going to see him again! We were going to get him back and I was not going to take no for an answer.
I was so frustrated and angry, I went to see my doctor, she listened and you could see from the reaction on her face that she was pretty shocked. She looked at me and said
“I am so sorry that you have had to go through this! I can offer you some antidepressants but if you are trying to get him back it might not look very favourably if they ask for your latest medical records.”
I’m not going to lie the thought had crossed my mind, but I was not depressed I was angry really angry. The anxiety had gone so what was the point. I really did appreciate her consideration. She offered to refer me to a counsellor I declined as the waiting list was probably going to take far too long I needed someone now.
I went home and I decided to contact Adoption UK. I got a lady who once she’d heard the story recommended that I call CAMS. Tell them you really need to see someone and you need to do it now.
It was probably about a week later after still not having any contact with Southwark that we got our first appointment with a counsellor. Our social worker backed the decision.
Now I am not a fan of shrinks, my Sister was a regular visitor and it seemed to do her more harm than good, she committed suicide.
I know that if we had any chance of getting him back we had to be proactive. Find the reason behind my tipping point.
Lee and I went together she was a nice enough woman. We had an hour, going over what happened, it was horrible having to say it all out loud again. She looked exactly like the Doctor had, shocked and point blank said that she had never heard of a case like this before. Seeing as it wasn’t a child protection issue, why didn’t they just get us some help instead ripping him out like that so abruptly. It was sounded more and more to me like a completely unsupported decision a knee jerk reaction, they had not thought it through and certainly not considered him and how this would affect him long term. She also said that she knew of a family that were going through a difficult time only they had been given support and the child was still in placement. They were given daily help to get them over this difficult period. I was glad to hear that they were getting help but why the F didn’t we get offered some support!
I remember leaving the first session feeling really angry that they hadn’t given us more constructive support. Now what? The counsellor said that we would be eligible to have 6 or 7 more sessions and that she would like to see us separately as well as together. That made me a little suspicious!
I told anyone who would listen. We went about our daily business but all I could think about was our Son, wondering what he was doing now. How was he feeling? Was he asking for us? My heart was breaking I just wanted to see him and hold him tight! Had they allowed him to stay with the same Foster-mother or had they moved him on to someone else? I kept hearing his little voice.
After the three weeks of being stonewalled by Southwark I called our social worker again. She said she’d heard nothing. I was so frustrated, I felt like going down there, but that would only have made things worse.
I decided to write to Zac Goldsmith he was our MP. I sent him an email and I got a phone call the following day from one of his assistants. He was very sympathetic and asked me to tell him the whole story. I was on the phone with him for about twenty minutes and then he made us an appointment for the following week to see Zac at his office in Sheen.
In the meantime we waited not knowing what was going to happen. When would we see him? Would we ever see him again?